Take Time to Travel

Don't delay spending time with family or taking that special trip. It was probably at my father's funeral that I can first recall any signs of dementia. So many people came and the lines of people waiting were so long because Mom talked about 15 minutes to each person. I was becoming distressed and my husband said to, "cut her some slack, her husband just died." I still found it strange she had no concept of time or realized that people were leaving before being able to pay their respects to Dad. I figured my husband was right and shrugged it off.

Once things settled down a bit after his death,  I wanted to travel with my Mom. She won't fly and I am limited in the length I can drive, so our trips were limited. One trip was to St. Louis, Missouri. There were a few odd moments on that trip that, again, had me scratching my head. The first was that during a horse-drawn carriage ride through the town, she was flossing her teeth. My family has never been conventional, but that even seemed strange for Mom.

One afternoon on that trip, she suddenly announced she needed to go to the bathroom. There was no where to go, so I told her to hang on and we hurried until we found a restaurant where I figured we could stay and eat and she would be able to use their facilities. We were seated and I told her to go ahead to the restroom and we would order when she came back. She looked at me like I was crazy and said she wanted to eat.

Later we went shopping. She has always been a slow shopper, but she was taking extremely long so I went outside to wait for her. I waited, and waited, and waited. Finally when she came out and found me sitting on a bench, she had a panicked look on her face. "I couldn't find you," she stated. My mom has always been so strong and independent, that it shocked me that she looked so panicked in trying to locate me.

I took one other trip with her the next year where we drove to Indiana to see her grandson and wife. It was a great trip, but the next year when she turned 75, I wanted to take her somewhere special. As I said, she doesn't fly and I don't do long distance driving, and considering her panic when she couldn't find me, I decided I needed to enlist a third person to travel with us so my husband and I took her on a two-week vacation through Colorado.

One of our first stops was to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo where a giraffe gave Mom a kiss. She talked about that giraffe every chance she got. From there we went to Mesa Verde. She said, "You kids go on and I'll just sit here." I guess I should have been more compassionate, but I said, "We didn't drive all this way for you to sit." So being the trooper she is, she went along. I could barely make the walk back, so never knew how she did it.


Mom wanted to go on a narrow gauge railroad so we went on the Durango and Silverton trip. Later we went to Ouray and took a jeep ride straight up Red Mountain where roads seemed they could go no further yet somehow kept winding around and around until we reached the very peak. I suffered altitude sickness; Mom had no problems and she bought me a tee shirt that said "Got Altitude?" just to tease me.

My husband and I probably never would have done the things we did, but because it was Mom's 75th birthday we wanted her to have a trip worth remembering. We had a special book printed with all the great photos of our trip. She took that with her everywhere to show people; to church, her tea party group, friend's houses.

That was the last trip we took with Mom before time and this disease snuck up on all of us and stole our future. So if I can instill nothing else, GO TRAVEL - NOW!

We are still learning the ropes of what is to come and for now are still able to enjoy phone calls and visits as often as possible. I push to do as many things possible now as I know eventually even the smallest outings will come to an end. But like people who become depressed in the autumn thinking about what is to come in the winter, I say to enjoy the autumn and worry about what is to come when it arrives.

Our Journey Begins

My mother has dementia. When did this begin? We may never know, but in looking back over messages between my brother and I regarding Mom's health, we know that it was at least three years ago when he started noticing her confusion and constant sleeping.

There never was an actual, concrete diagnosis, but it was made fairly clear from the doctor that she has some form of dementia. Since that prognosis, the past year has been a blur with getting her affairs in order so that I can oversee her care. Perhaps if I share her story, your journey can be less confusing as you begin the process of what to do first. Here is my recommendation for the first three things you need to do for a parent preferably before anything mentally or physically happens to them:

1. Obtain power of attorney (POA) both for property and health
2. Obtain power of attorney (POA) both for property and health
3. Obtain power of attorney (POA) both for property and health

Did I mention to obtain POAs? When the family began to notice small peculiarities, we suggested she go to a lawyer to have both a POA and a will written up. She insisted she was fine, and truthfully, we didn't know what was going on with her. We would agree with her that she was fine and that was why she should do this now. We gave her scenarios of what ifs. What if you fell and hit your head and went into a coma? What if you needed surgery and had complications with anesthesia? What if, what if what if? We wanted her to know this paperwork was not to see how her property was divided between the family, but to protect her by allowing us to make decisions for her and not the government. I think it was the threat of the government overseeing her care that convinced her to make her decision.

Eventually she went to a lawyer and had papers drafted up, but never finalized. Long story short, a year passed and by that time she had moved into an assisted living facility. We finally convinced her to go to the lawyer and all of us went together. While the lawyer was hesitant as to her cognitive ability to understand what she would be signing, I suggested he make that decision when we came in.

It was a good day on the day of our appointment, Mom understood everything. Being it was paperwork that she herself had written up the year prior, and that it was my brother and me who were to be the power of attorneys, the lawyer agreed it would be okay for her to sign.

We were fortunate. Six months later and it would have been an entirely different ball game; most likely going to court for legal guardianship. Because we now had POAs for both property and health, we could make decisions, pay her bills, talk to doctors. Without it, we could have done nothing. 

So here I am, three years later from that first conversation with my brother and anxious to share what we have faced so far. I realize this is only the beginning, and the difficult journey of watching her slowly recede into the abyss of her mind is just starting. But, for now, life is good. She laughs, she knows us, she is healthy and happy. Most importantly, she is safe.