Reality

My goal was to help others navigate through all of the confusion when it comes to making decisions for their loved ones. Here's the reality. That's what I want someone to do for me. Just take my hand and walk me through this mess.

So instead of guiding others, I am turning this into a journal. A virtual therapy to keep me from screaming into my pillow at night.

Where are we currently? Limbo. Until the money runs out, there is not much more to do. The car has been sold and the house emptied of a lifetime of memories. After months of back breaking labor, we finally got her property into sellable condition. While thankful it finally sold, it was sad to walk out the door for the final time.

Unfortunately, this may have been my first mistake. By selling the house, I may lose her VA benefits that we worked so diligently to receive. On paper, it appears she has too much money for benefits. In reality, if they cut off her funding, her current assets will only last two years. To say I had a slight breakdown is an understatement. I sobbed so intensely and uncontrollably and lost all hope. Over time I have come to an, "it is what it is" mentality and now wait each day for their final decision.

Luckily I have a spouse who keeps me sane and keeps great financial records in preparation for the time we will have to apply for Medicaid.

For now I am trying to hold on with weekly calls to my mom and visit as often as I can. The guilt of being so far away gnaws at me, but I know she is happy and well cared for; and that is what I cling to for now.

Mom with her son-in-law; celebrating her birthday. This is their "normal" personalities showing.

Putting On My Big Girl Panties

My mother was always a very strong-willed, independent woman so my brother and me couldn't figure out how to tell her it was time to seek help.

Her living conditions had become deplorable. She had lost her dentures and wasn't eating properly. Medications were taken haphazardly if at all. It appeared she was basically sleeping 24/7 and she didn't know if it was day or night when I called.

I hounded her to get a will and POAs drawn up and suggested she move out of the house into an assisted living facility almost to no avail. Then magically, it seemed almost over night, my brother texted me to inform me she had found a place in town and was moving within the week.

Had she never made the initial move, I'm not sure to this day what would have happened. While this move was a game changer, it wasn't long after that things started going south. I discovered payments hadn't been made, she was starting to receive collection notices and she only had a particular amount of money left in her checking account. And she still hadn't finalized the POAs.

After commiserating with a cousin and picking his brain for suggestions of what he and his sister did with their parents, he basically stated, "It's time to put on your big girl panties." I knew he was right, but wondered, "Can I really do this?"

Basically, I felt like I became an overbearing, bossy broad. I have a better word, but can't bring myself to use it! I made an appointment with the lawyer she had originally gone to. It was iffy, but basically he told me that if he felt Mom was capable of understanding what was transpiring he would agree to finalize the paperwork. After all, she had drawn up these papers the year before and nothing was being changed. Also, it was her children who were seeking assistance so they could help her and not a stranger. The day we went, Mom was in top performance and everything went smoothly.

Now we had the means to make decisions for her. Originally, my brother was going to be the Medical POA as he lived in the same town and could take her to doctor appointments, etc. I was to be the Property POA and would pay the bills.

After she moved out of the house, I had the freedom to take all her boxes of documents dating back to approximately 1965. She also had a metal box that she always referred to as her Death Box. We always joked about it, but I must say it came in handy for the most part as it contained information regarding banking accounts, bonds, insurance policies and the like.

At this stage of the game, Mom was able to go with me to a lot of the appointments I had to do. The first thing I did was have her cash a bond that her mother had purchased for her at the time of her birth. This helped get us some money so we could start paying off all the delinquent bills. I also had my name added to her checking account and then created an online account so I could pay bills electronically as I lived 3 hours away from her.

Schmuck is an understatement of how I felt about myself during all of this. I had taken her Death Box, cut up a credit card, eventually took away her checkbook. But I also knew she was now protected and we could make decisions for her.

Over the past 3 years, we have sold her car, had a sale and sold most of her possessions, gave the rest to charity and finally sold her home. All this without her knowledge. Most of this took place after she declined further and had moved into a memory care unit, but it still felt wrong. And mean. And ugly. I guess that's why they call it Tough Love. Not sure if that means tough on the person you're trying to protect or tough on the person doing the protecting. Either way, it's tough.

Guess that's how big girl panties feel.

Is It Time To Move?

When do you know it's time for your loved one to move into a facility? And what type of facility do you choose?

Living a few hours away from my mother and only visiting every few months, it was difficult to ascertain at first, but here are the 8 categories I have determined to view: Diet, Medication, Falling Risk, Socialization, Sleep, Finances, Safety, Wander Risk.

1. Diet - Are they eating properly? My mother was always thin, but when she lost her upper dentures and wouldn't go get new ones, she had lost a lot of weight. What she was eating was also questionable. It was either take out or anything microwaved. Nothing of good quality.

2. Medication - If your loved one takes medication, it is important to be taken as directed. When visiting, I would find pills on the floor, in the shower caddy, on the kitchen counter. Because she wasn't taking them as directed if at all, it caused a lot of confusion to the point that sometimes she wouldn't know if it was 8 in the morning or 8 at night when I called.

3. Falling Risk - Do they have balance issues and are at risk of falling? Accidents happen and you can't think just because someone falls that there is an immediate danger. But have they fallen several times? What is causing them to fall? Clutter? Declining eyesight? Dizziness? My mother had been sitting on a stool doing the dishes and forgot her feet were behind the rungs of the chair so when she went to move, she fell straight out of the chair.

4. Socialization - Not everyone is a social butterfly. But everyone does need some sort of stimuli. Is your family member getting outside for fresh air and exercise? Or have they isolated themselves indoors and come up with reasons of why they're just fine staying indoors 24/7.

5. Sleep - Do you notice that your loved one isn't getting enough sleep? Too much sleep? Strange sleep habits? For me, it was realizing my mother was sleeping on the couch for a nap. And then using it as her bed at night. And eventually sleeping constantly. Between her lack of medications, depression or a combination of both, I realized all she was doing was sleeping all the time. To the point she was even having accidents on the couch. This was something I knew my mother would never have done before.

6. Finances - Are their finances in order? I didn't find out until it was almost too late that she hadn't been paying any of her bills and already had debt collectors starting to send notices.

7. Safety - Is it safe for them to operate the stove? My brother and I didn't have a definitive answer of what was happening with Mom, but felt there could be a fire risk should she forget to shut off a burner.

8. Wander Risk - Has the confusion become so great that you are fearful should they go out of the house for a walk they might not find their way home?

Once you realize that their general welfare is no longer able to be maintained, it is time to determine how their needs can be met. Everyone's needs are different depending on if the person with memory issues is a spouse or a parent. Whether you're working and don't have the luxury of staying home to care for them or if you're retired and can't physically care for them any longer.

It comes down to can you care for your family member yourself, can you afford to hire someone to come to your home or do you find a facility for them to live in? For the latter choice, what facility works for your loved one's needs?

I have found it falls into 3 categories: Assisted Living, Memory Care, or Nursing Home. This can be tricky. Assisted Living can be perfect and many take Medicaid, but if your Mom is a wander risk, this won't work. Memory Care is awesome, but few if any take Medicaid. Most are private pay. And if your parent is still fairly young, you may not be able to afford 20 years at that type of facility. Nursing Homes also take Medicaid, but if your family member isn't in a wheel chair and is a wander risk, that type of facility still doesn't fit your needs.

Don't despair. While you don't want to make a rash decision, just do the best you can for the present moment. If there's one thing I learned in the past two years, I only worry about what is in my control. My mother started at an Assisted Living facility. When she allegedly struck a health care worker and then not long after was found by a police officer in the middle of a divided highway, it was a no brainer to realize this community was no longer a good fit.

Next stop was Memory Care. We found one place that supposedly would take a certain percentage of residents to be covered by Medicaid, but had to wait until there was an opening. Since we didn't have a choice, we found a lovely private pay facility about 30 miles from her hometown. Eventually the other place had an opening about three months later and she made her third move into her now present facility.

Will this present facility honor the Medicaid promise for us when that time comes? I can only hope  they do. But that is not in my control. And my mother is too mobile for a nursing home at this point. So we wait and see. And pray.

Do your best. Do your homework. And learn what is in your control. Take each day as it comes. And breathe.